A Capitalist Brew

Following my visit to the ER, I felt wiped out but not sick.  It is amazing how those drugs so quickly made me better.  I am still a little weak today but am back at the office and planning to get myself to TaeKwonDo tonight if at all possible.

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I woke up very sick this morning with whatever stomach virus is making its way through the town. A few hours later I was decimated and getting worse by the minute. So, Scott took me up to the emergency room where they shot me up with IV fluids, anti-nausea meds, and morphine. I was soon feeling much better and released to go home. The doctor was laughing about how we really should have taken some before and after pictures. I am resting at home and hoping to feel much better tomorrow.

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In many ways I feel like I am in the last paragraph of this chapter of my life. Today we all went up to my school office to start the process of cleaning out and packing up. I threw out stacks of papers that we read in my seminar classes but no longer need (I am trying to develop an electronic filing system to guide this part of my research now…maybe more on that in another post). I found envelopes full of old tests I gave my classes, class notes from the many semesters I taught the business finance labs, old lecture notes I won’t need, papers my students wrote in class last spring, and my notes I used to study for the qualifying exams. These pieces of paper that made up my life over the past few years are being organized to move on with me to the next chapter or to be left behind and thrown away. Over the next two weeks I will teach my last class as a grad student, fulfill my last proctoring assignment, shed my identity as “student” and put on the garb of “graduate” and “professor”.

Today as we started to clean out my office, we remembered the first time we walked those halls and peaked through the windows of the grad student office doors. Brooke was not even a year old and we had just arrived in town from Northern Virginia. I remember being so scared about what was ahead of me, nervous that I might not be able to do this whole Ph.D. thing, and excited at the prospect of fulfilling a lifelong dream. I can say that the last 4 years went by quickly. I was right to be scared and nervous. There were many times that I thought about quitting the program or that I might be eaten alive, but I kept going anyway because that is who I am. Plus, I had a family that was depending upon me to finish.  What do I know now that I wish I knew then?  The professor who seemed so intimidating and scary then is still brilliant and intimidating, but he is not scary, quite nice, and has a lot of personality.  Also, math stat is important and useful, but you won’t realize it for a long time.
I wish I could say that my time in the Ph.D. program here was wonderful and that I loved it, but that was not the case.  Of course, that made me all the more anxious to finish and leave.  Most of my professors were not great teachers, cared very little about the Ph.D. students, and did not have the most pleasant personalities.  There were probably only two exceptions to that rule, and both of those people were a part of my dissertation committee.  For some reason, the students admitted in my year never formed a cohort, and that made for a lonely haul.  The few friends I did make are the sparkling exceptions to that general rule.  The work I have done with my advisor has been the best part of my whole 4 years here.

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I almost had to be rushed to the hospital this afternoon with heart failure.  I thought I had deleted all my work files on my computer.  At the same time, I stopped being able to connect to the Time Capsule.  Thankfully, it was actually just the copy and not the documents that were deleted (what I had been trying to do).  I am still working on getting hooked back up to the Time Capsule though.  I do find the connection a little unreliable, but today proved how much I actually need it and must make certain that it is functioning properly.

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Today we are going to Jackson for the wedding of Scott’s nephew.  Brooke is totally thrilled about attending a wedding.  She loves to play wedding and have dolls dressed like brides.  From what I understand, this is completely normal for young girls.  Yet, I don’t recall ever really wanting to play wedding or dress up like a bride.  Perhaps once in a while, but I never grew up dreaming about my wedding day.  Evidently my cynicism and eccentric behavior started early in life.  Nevertheless, we are going to a wedding today.

Unfortunately, a funeral is also in the works as we got news yesterday about a young family member’s rather shocking death.

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While I was gone I got an email on my phone that I almost dismissed as spam and simply deleted.  The subject line said “Congratulations!  You won an award.”  Strangely, I decided to open the email anyway.  Much to my surprise, the email was legitimate and I did win an award.  I was chosen the student finance association’s outstanding graduate instructor.  I am not sure what the criteria are for this award, but I imagine that having English as my native language played a large part.  The funny thing is that I am not actually the instructor for any course this year.  In the fall I taught ARGUS software to the MBA/MSF students, and I am more of a co-instructor this spring for the undergrads.  Still, it is nice to know that at least some of the students think I am doing a good job.

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After the bad sunburn, spotty cell service, and trouble finding a way off the island back to the airport, I finally escaped paradise and returned home to the routine craziness today. The island was beautiful and would have been a nice place to vacation if you are looking to really get away to a high-priced but serene resort environment. The conference was good. I enjoyed being with my friends and colleagues and made some new contacts. I got an invite to come speak at a Friday seminar series another nearby state university in the fall. And most importantly, I got a renewed sense of motivation for research. I hope to discipline myself enough to ride that wave over the next few weeks. I am going to bed soon to enjoy being home, but I leave you with two pictures:

The view out the front door of my hotel room

View from my balcony:

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I finally got out to the beach today.  I spent an hour and a half sitting by or walking along the beach.  Despite the sunscreen, I now have sections of my legs that are very red.  There are also spots on my arms that are red.  I am hoping it will look a little better in the morning if I can get a cool bath before going out tonight.  I am also re-thinking my plan to wear a dress in favor of some capri pants that would cover a larger portion of my red legs.  Still, I really enjoyed my walk today.  It was a brief moment of indulgent relaxation in an otherwise exhausting trip.  (Aside: Why do I always think I will have time for work when I am here?  I am lucky if I can get in two hours of work while I am at one of these things.  There are always sessions or events I am expected to attend.)  I love the smell of sea air and the sound of crashing waves and birds.  More than one time I saw a manatee swim right up next to someone swimming about 5-6 feet from the shoreline.  It was amazing to see, but I imagine I would have been a little scared to be one of those people.  Dolphins are constantly hanging out right by the boats coming into the harbor.  They are so close!  Walking along the beach today I had a large osprey walk a good part of the way with me.  We walked at the same pace, and he always stayed about 10 feet in front of me until we got near the end of the beach.  It was great…except for the sunburn.  Ouch.  Off to soak a little before what is likely to be a very long evening.

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Here I sit in gorgeous room on a fabulous beach resort.  It should be a most excellent experience, you would think.  The only problem is that I have been here over 24 hours and have yet to see the beach.  I have seen some sailboats on the harbor from my balcony for about 3 minutes.  Other than that, I have been cooped up in conference activities and a dinner the whole trip.  I plan to do something to rectify this situation tomorrow by finding the beach tomorrow afternoon.  I am also toying with the idea of going on short nature cruise on Saturday.  I can’t leave without experiencing some of these wonderful resort opportunities, right?

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The past few days have been a blur.  The taxes were dreadful but pleasantly surprising in the end (and seriously, if a Ph.D. in finance is confused and not at all sure that everything is right, there is something wrong with the system!).  The seemingly endless list of things to do before I leave for the conference is slowly getting shorter.  I realized that I have nothing that fits (they are too big!) and is appropriate to wear to a more casual conference in a beach setting, but I was able to pick up a few new things yesterday and think I am good with clothes now.  My paper was ready a long time ago, so now I just need to make copies of the paper to bring with me.  I just received the paper I am supposed to discuss, so that will keep me busy.  Packing always goes quickly and is not stressful for me, so I am not worried about those preparations.  What has me the most busy right now is planning to be away from home.  There are so many things going on with the kids as well as paperwork of mine that needed to be dealt with and sent on its way.  The hard part is preparing for all the things that need to go smoothly at home when I am gone.  Just need to keep moving and crossing things off the list.

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