A Capitalist Brew

I was patient and finally received the good news I have been awaiting to get my groove back.  We got some good business news which will sadly take Scott out of town for a few days, but he will be back to celebrate the 4th of July with us.  In addition, I got good teaching news.  I was assigned to teach a class this summer that I was not thrilled to teach.  You have to do everything as the professor in charge wants you to do, have only the slightest amount of freedom, and the administrative aspects of the class are a headache.  Plus, that is just not a class I enjoy teaching.  I have been dreading it.  Then today I get an email telling me that some other student thought he was teaching my class and not the one he was actually assigned.  The course he was assigned to teach is one of my favorite classes to teach, so we are switching!

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Sometimes I wish I could just push the pause button on the remote and freeze my children just as they are right now.  Brooke is so creative, imaginative, and full of possibility.  I want her to always believe she can be a doctor, a teacher, or even a fish if that is what she wants to be.  I want her to believe that one day she can jump into the tv to play with Spongebob if that is what she really wants to do.  Luke is so sweet and full of joy.  He loves to climb into my lap and curl his head into my chest in a snuggle.  His smile and laughter are so bright that they can cut through the grayest gloomies.  I know the days will continue to flash past me, but I will try to stop and hold these moments in my heart as best I can.

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Some positive developments and an afternoon of playing and laughing with the kids have me in better spirits. And a weigh in at the doctor’s office showing that my baby weight is gone and my blood pressure is not as bad as I imagined don’t hurt either.

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Craptastic is how I have been feeling this week.  You know those week when the good you have done is far overpowered by the not-so-good?  This has been one of those weeks.  There is no one thing in particular.  Just a thousand little jabs at my confidence that are knocking me down over and over again.  Today I finally broke down into half tears and half laughter after dropping a gallon of milk on the floor.  It was the symbolic exhibition of my dropping the ball in so many areas of my life right now, and it was fitting that the proverbial spilling of milk was what sent me to tears.  Ever wonder how I keep it all together?  The answer is not so well at times, and I am definitely feeling overwhelmed by the pressure and my own shortcomings.  I know, I know…I have everything in the world to be happy about.  My kids are what have been keeping me together this far.  A little good news and words of encouragement could really help though.

To make myself feel better, I decided to throw my better eating habits out the window and buy a Butterfinger out of the vending machine.  On the elevator up to my office, I discovered that the candy bar was manufactured in Venezuela and distributed by Nestle USA.  I could not in good conscience the candy (I know I already paid for it so the sentiment was moot), so I threw it away.  Some days you can’t even get an indulgent piece of chocolate right.  Craptastic.

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In the midst of data collection no man’s land…no end in sight…been stuck here for what seems like months.  Feeling tired.  Must stay awake.  Must get Ph.D.  Must not climb in bed to fall asleep watching Law and Order or CSI Miami.  Back to work now.

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I like how the summer pace is a little less frantic (though I am laughing to myself at the suggestion that there is relaxation going on here).  I do not like how the days seem to melt one into the other in the hot Southern sun.  I can’t even think what I have done or accomplished from one day to the next.  Here are some things I can pick out in the haze of my memory:

• I took Luke to a new kiddie hair salon to get his first haircut.  He looks so handsome and grown up now.
• I got word that my paper was accepted to present at another conference.  I am really looking forward to this one because some buddies will also be there.
• I have spent a lot of time working in the data collection phase of paper #2.  I would love to get this paper to a stopping place in the next week so I can start to spend some time on paper #3 in the last week of June.  As of July 1, I will spend about 5-6 weeks engrossed in my summer teaching obligation and thus anticipate no further progress.
• Took a new ride for a test drive and liked it but am in no hurry to purchase a new car.  My last post should give you a hint into the feelings of nausea that come over me when I think about the large number on the price tag.
• Last night Scott was at band practice and we had a roach crisis.  A roach was crawling on Brooke’s ceiling and then jumped down into the bed with her.  I found him sitting on her teddy’s face…the teddy she had been cuddling.  I had to dispose of the creature.  I did my best not to let Brooke see the terror on my face.  I think I may feel more traumatized than she did about the whole encounter.

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I had a revelation about myself over the weekend that I have to share.  It is no secret that I am not a very good capitalist in the sense that I hate to spend my money.  I like to make the money and hold onto the money.  I don’t really want to give it to anyone or buy anything with it.  I just like to see big numbers on the bank statement.  I am not sure if I was scarred as a child by my mother refusing to spend money (I have no recollection, so perhaps it was so traumatic that it is now blocked from my psyche).  I don’t know if it harkens back to a time when we had no money and scares me.  Nevertheless, spending money makes me sick.

There has always been one exception to that rule.  I don’t mind spending money on my kids.  I like being able to buy things for them.  I would probably spend a whole lot more if I did not reign myself in due to the sick feeling I get when I spend money.

The strange twist in this story is that I have expensive taste.  Maybe that plays a role in my inability to purchase anything for myself.  I don’t really fall in love with anything that is not expensive, so it is not hard to refrain from buying the items.  And the items I do love are so expensive that I cannot bring myself to purchase them even though I love them.  I will only give in and purchase the coveted item when I am in dire straits and can no longer avoid the purchase.  I think I need to get over this as I step into the next stage of my life.  Can one go to therapy or read a self-help book for this sort of problem?  Is retail therapy the solution?

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With my birthday just a month away, I thought I would let you know what gifts I would love to get this year:

1. The same things I always love: anything off my Amazon wish list or Ann Taylor and Title Nine gift cards
2. The Jack and Bobby DVD collection (I really loved that show)
3. A fantastic foot spa (I am thinking this would be a great stress reliever this year)
4. A Jim Cramer bobblehead (my office will be in serious need of this guy)

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It is hot down here.  The high 90s have arrived.  It is summer in Alabama for sure.  I decided that I am going to do my best to refrain from complaining about the heat this year.  My concern is that my best job offer may come from a school in a place that is even hotter than Tuscaloosa.  And then what am I going to say?  I know if I read someone complaining about the heat, I would think to myself “then why are you living there, stupid?”  Am I right?  I think so.  Instead I will say that I think we finally have beat the heat in our house.  Ever since we moved here we have been been dying of the heat when it gets consistently above 90 degrees.  We have central air, but with little shade and the hot, afternoon sun baking the front of the house it has been a losing battle.  Every year we have increased the number of additional air conditioners by 1.  This year we added two and brought the total to 4 extra units above the central air conditioning unit.  And there is finally relief.  The kids’ rooms and the living room are comfortable in the afternoon and evening.  Victory!

I have been keeping busy with non-dissertation work that actually pays the bills as it has been sadly neglected and needs to be under control in the next week.  The kids keep me very busy, but we have fun.  I try to remember to savor these days and these memories because they are growing up so fast.

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