A Capitalist Brew

With Scott’s help, I spent yesterday vigilantly treating my backache.  I took Tylenol on a regular basis and had the aid of some icy hot patches.  I also tried to limit the carrying of heavy children and moving of heavy objects.  Scott even helped clean the house so I could rest my back a little more.  The verdict is that both my back and my spirits are feeling better today.

It seems like school has been out a whole lot longer than is actually the case.  I keep thinking things like “well, we should be hearing something about that paper soon” and then realize it has only been like 2 weeks.  I keep freaking out about how little progress I have made on my dissertation and then realize it is not even June yet and that I have still made a decent amount of progress.  In what has taken a ridiculous amount of time, I did get my vita prepared and sent to big finance association’s web site.  So, I guess that everything is moving along at an acceptable pace despite my inability to accurately judge time and distance these days.  I suppose that this realization has also helped me feel better.

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I have deduced that part of my funk probably has to do with the fact that I have been suffering from back pain since Saturday night.  I seem to have more and more back pain these days.  Yes, I need to get back to pilates and strengthen those core muscles.  But it still seems like my back has been bothering me a lot.  Then in the past few days I started to think about the number of times I bend over and pick up or carry the 21 pound toddler (not to mention the occasional instance where I carry the 31 pound child from one room to the next.  No scientific studies have been undertaken, but I posit that there is a likely correlation.

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I have been in a bit of a funk for the past week and am not sure why.  I think I would be feeling worse if I had time to dwell on the feelings, but there is no time when you have two small children.  Even though staying in bed all morning sounds tempting, the 3 year-old screaming for me to get up and play Candyland will not allow it.  So, for that, I am grateful.  Really, it doesn’t make sense for me to be in a funk.  In many ways, my life could not be more perfect.  My kids are great, my family is good, and several of the burdens we have been carrying should soon be lifted.  In many ways we are on the cusp of having everything we have worked for truly come to fruition.  And yet, I feel funkish.  I will keep trying to shake the funkies and hope to have something more positive to post soon.

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We took the kids to the zoo this morning, and so the day was pretty much shot as far as getting anything else done.  I did have a phone call with a colleague about my vita that proved helpful, but other than that I don’t think any work is getting done.  I am tired and think I may just call the whole day a fun day and get back to work after the gym tomorrow morning.  Yes, I also have not been to the gym since before Easter but plan to return tomorrow.  I am both looking forward to it and dreading it.  Yet another reason to get some rest, right?

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This morning when Brooke got up and came into the bedroom to wake me, she told me that there was smoke outside.  That is never a pleasant announcement to hear when you first wake up.  I suddenly realized that the smell of smoke was indeed pretty strong, and I saw the air looked pretty hazy.  I could not see an obvious source and then realized that this is the smoke that is coming from the wildfires in Georgia and Florida.  We are several hours away from these fires, so it is pretty crazy that the smell is so pungent.

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Luke is asleep in the crib, Brooke is asleep on the couch, Bella is asleep on the floor next to my desk, and Scott is gone for the day.  It is silent.  Brilliantly silent.  I should probably be folding laundry or something useful, but this silence is too beautiful to waste.  I am going to grab a book and enjoy a self-indulgent moment reading about something other than finance or economics.

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I have been the instructor of record for one class prior to this semester’s course.  In the previous class I mostly had juniors while in this class I mostly had seniors who hoped they were actually graduating this semester.  Many of the students were repeating the class from the fall semester.  For many I would be the person holding the fate of their graduation in my hands.  Some students barely managed to squeeze by and graduate while others did not.  I found myself feeling very uneasy about keeping these students from graduating, especially when I feel tenuous in my position of not actually being a “professor”.  I guess I feel more guilty about it than I thought I would since I was in a situation not too different from theirs at one point.  The difference was that I had taken an incomplete and had to finish a course in the weeks after graduation, and I had actually worked really hard all semester.  I think I can say with certainty that the people in my class whose grades will keep them from graduating did not take the class seriously until it was too late.  The people who will need to repeat the class to graduate generally did not come to class or ask for materials missed when they did miss class, did not ask questions, did not come to my office, and in some cases never asked to get back any tests or assignments after they were not in class on the day it was returned to them.  So, I guess, I feel justified in the outcome these students now face.  In general, I think most students fared well and got the grades they deserved.

I did learn a lot about teaching through my experiences this semester.  I did not utilize the WebCT capabilities we have for the course, and I will do that in the future.  I just did not have time to get it set up with everything else I had going on in the beginning of the semester.  I think it would have been beneficial to at a bare minimum be able to post grades there.  At least then I knew everyone would have access to their grades and know where they stand at any point in the class.  I also learned that I cannot help everyone.  No matter how much I begged and pleaded with people to come see me if they did not understand the work, only a handful of people showed up.  I don’t know why.  I guess the adage about not being able to help someone who won’t help himself is true in this scenario.

Students baffled me in a few other ways: (1) Someone only showed up in class on the date of the second exam and the final exam.  Student acted like I should know her and we were friends.  Student did not pass.  (2) Student only showed up in class to take the final exam and the comprehensive exam.  Even if student scored a 100 on both exams, the highest student could get in the course would be a 60.  Why even bother at that point? (3) Two students evidently stopped trying to take the course after the first exam but did not drop the course.  Evidently they preferred a F to a W.

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I am done taking classes.  I posted final grades for my class.  My first essay in my dissertation is done.  It has been accepted for presentation in the fall at Big Finance Conference.   It is also off for journal review as of last night.  Truly the end of one era (student) and the beginning of the next (professor).  In the midst of the past few weeks I have been too busy to dwell on it much.  Now it is starting to freak me out a little.  Do you know what is freaking me out even more?  I vowed to take a break and not touch school work until the end of next week.  And frankly, I don’t know how I am going to do it.  Already, I am thinking “but I could just do..”  What is wrong with me?  And it is not like I don’t have other work to do.  My home is a neglected disaster zone at the moment, my kids need attention and summer activities planned, and I have oodles of business work to do.   Still, without schoolwork to be done, I feel lost.  I don’t know what to do with myself.  I feel like something is awry.  Am I really that much of a workaholic?  How have I so thoroughly lost sight of anything that I ever did other than work and take care of the kids?  I have no clue what to do with a few days of freedom.  Granted, this will soon pass.  In a week I will be back to work, Brooke will be home and need organized activities, and I will need to start making lesson plans for the dreaded summer class I am teaching.  Still, it makes me think, what will I do once I have the Ph.D.?  Will I still be this crazed workaholic who can’t let go of her research?  Is this part of my DNA or can I learn to let go when I leave the office?  I don’t know.

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Happy Mother’s Day’s to all of you out there with little ones.  I have to say that this may have been the best Mother’s Day yet for me.  Brooke surprised me with a painted flower pot with a flower planted in it, a votive and candle, and a painting that she made at school.  By surprised, I mean, I was surprised by the votive and the painting.  I was not surprised by the flower pot since all week she informed me, “It is a surprise.  I can’t tell you about the flower pot for Mother’s Day.”  My lovely husband got up at 6 am with the kiddos so I could sleep in until 8 (I could not tell you the last time I slept past 6).  He also gave me a gift certificate to get a wonderful massage.  I got to go to spend the day in relative relaxation…going to church, getting the kids in their new pools, eating yummy burgers (turkey burgers for me) off the grill, and finishing grading early in the evening (more on that to come).

What also struck me this year was the number of people other than my kids and family who wished me a Happy Mother’s Day.  I got a emails from two friends and our one employee.  I got a phone call greeting from a friend of Scott’s who owns a sandwich shop we frequent.  I even got a Mother’s Day card from my closest college friend (and maid of honor in my wedding).  I felt amazingly blessed, loved, and appreciated today.  What more could a mother ask for?

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Today is my baby’s first birthday, so I guess he is not a baby anymore.  It is hard to believe that a whole year has passed.  It seems like just a few short weeks ago that I was sitting in Dr. Silver’s econometrics class hoping not to give birth and make it through the end of the semester.  I was nervous about giving birth again and living through the first year.  Luke’s first year turned out to be harder than I had anticipated in many ways.  There was the colic that lasted all summer that taught me that my patience is far greater than I could have known (through God’s grace).  Other than that, the adjustment from one to two kids has been the hardest thing for me.  Juggling the needs of both children is definitely one of the biggest challenges in my life.

I also remember worrying that Luke would not be as “cool” as Brooke and not knowing how I would really feel getting to know and learning to love another child.  It is hard when you know the first and are trying to imagine bringing another person into the family who you know nothing about.  Luke is different than Brooke but “cool” in his own right.  What I love most about Luke is his heart.  He is deeply affectionate and joyful.  You cannot see this boy smile and not be affected by his joy.  I am so thankful to have Luke in our lives, and I am happy to celebrate his first birthday today.

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